Dr. Alexis Schottenstein Shares Guidance on What to Do if Your Marriage is in Trouble
Many couples have difficulty admitting that their relationship needs work, let alone seeking help from a qualified professional. However, if your marriage is characterized by conflict, criticism, and lack of trust, then here are five critically important things to keep in mind according to psychologist Dr. Alexis Schottenstein, who specializes in marriage and family therapy:
- You definitely aren’t alone.
You may be reluctant to seek professional support for your troubled marriage due to deep, longstanding feelings of embarrassment. However, be assured that you aren’t alone. In fact, you’re in the majority.
“Some individuals and couples feel that getting help is like admitting they aren’t able to make their marriage work, and that is an indictment on their character,” commented Dr. Alexis Schottenstein, whose practice is located in Buffalo, NY. “However, the truth is that marriage can be extremely difficult, and most couples do not have the resources and tools they need to move through these challenges in the best possible way. No, they may not separate or divorce. But that does not mean that they necessarily have a prosperous marriage. The success of a marriage is not only measured by its duration, but also wellness, happiness, and fulfillment.”
- The problems that you’re facing probably won’t go away — instead, they’ll get worse.
One of the unfortunate consequences of the personal development “self-help” movement, is the belief that all problems can be eradicated by having the right state of mind. Granted, many problems can indeed be removed — or at least, reduced — by cultivating a positive perspective. For example, people who are deeply jealous due to the material success of a neighbor or relative can do themselves a great deal of good by reframing their paradigm, and becoming grateful for their own blessings rather than resentful over the success of others. However, when it comes to fixing a troubled marriage, all of the affirmations in the world aren’t likely to make things better. Instead, neglected problems will typically get much worse over time.
“Couples should not try and talk themselves out of getting the help they need” states Dr. Alexis Schottenstein. “Sooner or later, those old problems will manifest, and things can be done and said that could take the marriage beyond the point of repair.”
- Be wary of taking the do-it-yourself approach.
When it comes to advice on having a strong, successful, happy and fulfilling marriage, the internet is both a blessing and a curse. With respect to the former, there are many good articles, videos, e-books, and other resources that can certainly help. But with respect to the latter, there are just as many resources that are harmful — and relying on any of them to replace the input of a qualified, experienced and compassionate marriage therapist can be a mistake.
- Don’t expect quick fixes.
While a couple can get married in a matter of days, it can take months or even years for a troubled marriage to fully get back on track. Unfortunately, some individuals and couples who aren’t willing or prepared for this timescale can lose patience and pull up stakes.
“Couples who emotionally and psychologically invest in counseling can look forward to many wonderful and energizing benefits, such as a warm and welcoming relationship with their spouse, and an inventory of highly effective tools and techniques for dealing with normal issues in a marriage,” commented Dr. Alexis Schottenstein. “But as with any meaningful goal, fixing a marriage — takes time and effort.”
- Choosing the right therapist is essential.
Last but not least: you want to work with a therapist who is going to help you find solutions — not exacerbate your problems. To that end, focus on choosing a professional who has experience and is professional, discreet, respectful, patient, and works from a place of empathy rather than judgement. It is also vital that both you and your spouse feel that you can trust your therapist and her or his methods.
“While individuals may not be thrilled about the fact that they need to see a therapist in the first place, they should nevertheless feel encouraged and empowered that they are taking a responsible and practical step in an effort to improve and heal their marriage,” commented Dr. Alexis Schottenstein. “If they are uncomfortable with their therapist as a person, or if there are issues of mistrust regarding confidentiality, then it is not going to work.”
The Bottom Line
Comedian Henny Youngman wryly observed that “the secret of a happy marriage…remains a secret.” Well, for countless couples in crisis, there is no secret: they followed the advice laid out by Dr. Alexis Schottenstein above, and ultimately rescued and re-invented their happy, loving union.
