Is Your Daughter a Victim of Teen Dating Violence?

Teen dating violence is a form of relationship abuse which can include psychological, emotional, physical and sexual mistreatment, and it can occur in both casual and long-term relationships. Like adult domestic abuse, teen dating violence is not restricted to specific people or groups, though women are more likely to be victims of serious relationship violence.

If you has suspicions that your daughter’s current relationship is unhealthy, you may want to determine if she is a victim of dating violence.

There are signs of abuse that you can watch for.

Physical Signs:

Your daughter stops hanging around her friends, she drops out of all extra-curricular activities and her social interaction is limited to her boyfriend. She may develop headaches, eat less and therefore lose weight. Abusing drugs and alcohol is a probable behavior. She may have injuries like bruises or broken bones and may have changed her clothing and makeup style. Pregnancy, self mutilation and suicide attempts are also a possibility.

Emotional Signs:

Your daughter may appear confused, nervous, terrified or depressed. She may have lost her confidence and have trouble making decisions or suffer from mood swings and outbursts. Unfocused on school work, she may not seem interested in her grades or previously set goals. Your daughter may not be developing personal values and beliefs of her own and appears to be emotionally dependent on her boyfriend.

You can help her.

Your first step is to ensure the safety of your child. If she is safe, find out if abuse is present. Your daughter’s partner may have damaged her self-esteem, taken away her personal power and threatened her. The best way to breach her “abused” state is to empower her by showing respect, avoiding criticism and blame and by maintaining a composed but caring attitude when you discuss her situation with her.

Discussion prompts you can use.

I am worried about you because . I have noticed some changes . I want to ask you if everything is okay . Is someone hurting you? I am concerned about your relationship . I am worried about your safety .

Her response may be upsetting.

Your daughter may respond with shame, distrust, fear, anger or relief. She may be worried about angering her boyfriend and she may apologize for, or deny his behaviour in order to avoid conflict. No matter what your daughter says, you must maintain some form of personal control so that she is not frightened or “guilted” into clamming up. Use your listening skills to gather as much information from her as possible. Let her know that you love her. Verbalize your support of her and thank her for trusting you.

Your reaction could cause more harm.

It is very difficult to find out that your child is being hurt. Do not launch into a tirade of what you are going to do to her boyfriend. “Make him pay” behaviour is not going to help and it may drive your daughter back to the abuser so that she can try to minimize his reaction to the fact that she has “betrayed” him. Try not to waste time understanding his behaviour or criticizing him. Instead, focus on her safety.

Next steps you can take.

Stay safe:

If your daughter admits that her boyfriend has physically abused her and/or threatened her wellbeing, ensure her safety first. Try to keep her informed of your decisions and actions and let her know that everything you are doing is because you love her and want her to be safe. Remember that this type of intervention could put you and her at risk from the abuser. Get legal advice and call the police if you feel you are in danger.

A safe break:

If your daughter decides to break up with her boyfriend, have her consider doing it over the phone and not in person. Help her by fielding calls or having all calls come through an answering machine. Make sure she has a buddy system in place, keeping informed friends around her whenever she is not with family. If the boyfriend works or goes to school with your daughter, make sure that responsible adults are informed of the situation in these places.

Ensure future safety:

If an immediate need for safety is not required, take a time out and think carefully about your next steps. Your daughter may insist that she still see her boyfriend. If you deny her this right, she might continue to see him in private and no longer communicate openly with you. That means, if the abuse escalates, you may not know. If she continues seeing him, suggest they see each other in your presence or around her friends. Encourage her to tell her friends. If her boyfriend attends her school, encourage her to tell her teacher. Make sure she does not have to rely on her boyfriend for transportation and suggest that she create a code for her friends or an excuse for her boyfriend in case she needs to get away quickly.

Learn more about abuse.

Call a professional who can help you deal with the situation. You can offer to attend counseling with your daughter and you can educate yourself about relationship abuse. Use this information to teach your daughter what a respectful relationship is. Find resources for her, like http://www.teenrelationships.org and http://www.loveisnotabuse.com, and encourage her to take responsibility for her own wellbeing. Let your daughter know that she has the right to have friends, to be herself, to have an equal and loving relationship and to live without fear.

About the Author Cheryl R Cowtan, Alton, ON, CanadaCheryl.cowtan@sympatico.ca  http://www.cherylcowtan.com Cheryl Cowtan is a social worker who has provided counselling to survivors of domestic violence in a shelter setting. She is in her third year of studies in the English and Education B.A., programmes at York University. She writes about violence against women and continues to provide assistance through online groups to friends and family members of abused women.