Teens and Independence: Parental Advice for Setting Boundaries

As much as we might think our teens are still the precious little babies we brought into this world…they aren’t. During the years of adolescence, your teen will go through so many changes that you’ll need to be prepared for. From learning to identify with themselves to fitting in with their peers, teens go through a lot, and as their parents it is important that you provide guidance along the way.

When it comes to your teen’s need for independence, it is imperative that you don’t apply resistance, but instead learn to accept their growth and set boundaries that allow them to develop their independence in a safe and responsible manner.

The Disciplinarian or the Best Friend

Often parents have a hard time trying to figure out what role they play in their teenager’s life. One minute you’re the super hero in their lives that can do no wrong and the next thing you know you’re the villain who never understands them and knows absolutely nothing. How do you cope with that? Where’s the balance? While I’m not parenting guru, I would have to say that finding a balance in raising your teen is important. Being too much of a disciplinarian can result in your teen rebelling against you even more, while being too much of a friend eliminates the necessary boundaries that they need as they learn their own way in life.

While finding a balance is going to be quite the challenge, below are some scenarios in which a teen might argue for more independence and ways to incorporate boundaries that appease both parties (well in most cases anyway):

1. “I’m too old for a sitter. Can’t I stay home by myself?”– One of the first arguments you will likely have with your teen is the sitter argument. Your teen feels as if they are old enough to monitor themselves while you go out, however, on the other hand you’re not sure they’re ready for the challenge. There are a few ways you could handle this scenario, and ultimately it will require you to determine how “responsible” your teen really is:

• Allow your teen to stay at home while you make a quick errand (lasting no more than about 2 hours). This will allow your teen to prove their ability to behave while you’re away. Try doing this a few more times to see if your teen is behaving as they should. If you find that they’re behaving well, then you can increase the time limit until you feel completely comfortable with allowing them to stay home alone.
• Investing in a high tech security system can also put your mind at ease. I had a friend from Southern California who worked late nights and was a bit anxious about letting her teenage son stay home on his own after school. She decided to invest in a home security system to put her mind at ease. With a little research she found that there were new developments in security systems, such as the ADT home security for California homes with high tech features that allow you to monitor and access your home security system from your smart phone. This means that you can arm and disarm the alarm and even invest in a home security monitor which would allow you to see exactly when your teen gets home. This adds peace of mind while also allowing your teen to prove they’re responsible.

2. “All my friends have social media accounts, why can’t I?” – Social media is likely another argument you’ll have with your teens. While social media can be a great way to communicate with your peers and relatives, it can also be a very risky platform for teenagers who aren’t really prepared. As teens learn to fit in socially they’re going to want to keep up with their peers and may feel ostracized if they’re not allowed to. Though the choice of allowing your teen to have a social media account will be up to you and your teen’s level of maturity, here are a few boundaries you might set up if you allow them to have an account:

• Make sure that you have all access to their social media accounts including the login information. Your teen may not like the idea that you could easily intrude at any time, but it will also keep them on the straight and narrow. Provide them with the understanding that you won’t check their page every day, but only when there is cause for concern.
• Be your teen’s friend on social media. Another way to monitor your teen’s social media usage is to be their friend on social media. When they know that mom or dad can see everything they post, they’ll be hesitant to post something inappropriate. This also gives you an opportunity to see who your child talks to and what things may be on their mind.

3. “Everyone else will be at the party Friday night, why can’t I go?”– last but certainly not least is the argument to join in on teen social events. A friend is having a party and the entire school is going to be there. However, you have no idea who the person is that’s holding the party, where the party will be, or if it will be supervised. Do you let your teen attend the party or not? This is certainly a legitimate concern, but keeping your teen sheltered from all social events only makes them resent you. Therefore, it may be best to set a few ground rules.

• Get all information beforehand. This is the first line of defense for setting ground rules. If you don’t know all the necessary information before the event, your teen cannot go. This information might include things like the name of the person hosting the party, the address, a contact number, and a contact for the parents. If your teen is not willing to supply you with that information, chances are they’re not that eager to go.

These are only a few of the arguments you’ll have as your teen tries to assert their independence. The key to making sure your teen is safe while also allowing them to become more independent is setting boundaries and sticking to them. When your teen is allowed to explore their own independence within limits, they are more likely to develop into responsible adults. Hopefully, this has given you some guidelines on how to best balance the role of disciplinarian and friend as you get through the rough times of parenting an ever changing teen.