Broken-Hearted Comeback: Dealing with Divorce/Separation/Death of Partner

There are few feelings that can match the emotional low and gripping sorrow of being left alone through divorce/separation or the death of a partner. As if this fall into depression weren’t enough, it’s usually accompanied by a sense of confusion and aimlessness because you’ve lost your anchor and have been “cast adrift”. You stumble through your daily activities disorganized and unsure of yourself, wondering how all this bad luck could have happened to you simultaneously. Your processes are so befuddled you can’t see clearly to solving your problems logically; eliminating your distress has become a blind fitful need.

If you were able to think more clearly, you’d see that you’re your loneliness has caused all this distress. Easing your emotional pain has become one of many problems, and you’re finding it difficult to get a grip on any of the barriers in your way. So try to center yourself; stop for a moment to catch your bearings and put yourself in a “breath deeply” state of mind. You need to be calm enough to focus on repairing whatever is broken.

At some point you’ll come to the conclusion that being left alone is your primary ailment, and most of your other complications have grown from your sense of isolation. The most obvious solution would be to fill this gap as quickly as possible with the next pleasant person you find. This is a bad idea for a myriad of reasons. For one thing, you’re distressed and not thinking clearly, so it’s not a good time to make major choices or decisions. Secondly, it takes time to know someone: “love at first sight” is a thrilling romantic and artistic concept, but it has little to do with reality. Thirdly, rebound relationships are notoriously bad ideas; few of them ever work out.

Well, what can you do in the middle of this painful point in your life? Anything you attempt seems to turn to garbage, and you’re positive you have a black cloud hanging over your head. So do not put yourself in new exciting situations; rely on the staples in your life that give you stability and offer some comfort. As trite as it may sound, resort to the facets of your personal life that make you feel good, like hobbies and art, books and movies, and music that feels comfortable.

If you must make a major decision to initiate some change, get yourself a pet. Depending on your space and time restraints, choose an appropriate companion. If you have a lot of free time and ample space, a dog might be appropriate. If you spend a full day at work and have no back yard or immense green space, perhaps a cat or small caged mammal is a better idea. Don’t force an animal to pay the price of a poor pet choice. If you spend a lot of time at work, and live in the city, you should consider tropical fish, hamsters, budgies, or turtles; something that is easier to keep, doesn’t require a lot of walks, multiple feedings, and a lot of personal attention.

Anyone who has a close relationship with a pet can confirm the immense comfort and sense of well-being they get. Likewise people who have hobbies, or are great devotees of physical fitness will attest to the stabilizing effect derived from these diversions. But please don’t think I’m advocating spending your life alone, far from it! It would be a great idea to walk your dog in the park, meeting other dog lovers and discussing your mutual love. A hobby can be a focal point for encountering other members of your clan to share the joy and knowledge it brings you. Likewise, activities like sports and fitness lend themselves to meeting others who follow the same path.

Start thinking of people in a new way: ignore your romantic inclinations, and let people be friends, companions, workmates. Clear your emotional baggage, and try to start with a clean slate, accepting others for what they are. Enjoy interacting with new people, and let the mutual experience start a friendship, but don’t consider this an introduction to your new soul mate. Rather have fun with the warmth of companionship: go to museums, go on shopping sprees, and feel free to go wining and dining with new acquaintances. Your loneliness will gradually melt away and you’ll start to feel “right” again. The thrill of romance and the excitement of a new love will happen in time, as you grow into readiness. Until then wallow in the pleasures of your pet, or your hobby, or your new tennis partners; you are not so lonely anymore.