Could I be Spoiling my Child?
All parents want their children to grow up happy, healthy and secure. But sometimes, in their efforts to give as much love as possible, moms and dads relax the limits a little too much, which ends up sending a mixed message to the children. The good news is that you can maintain boundaries without sacrificing closeness. Here, a few situations that demonstrate how.
I]
Question: My parents always told me to do things “because I say so!” I promised myself I’d give my child reasons for my decisions. What I’m finding is that it seems to encourage my five-year-old to argue. If I say she can’t have candy before dinner because it will spoil her appetite, she insists that it won’t. If I still say no, she throws a tantrum and calls me names. I don’t want to be repressive, but I don’t want to spoil her either. What’s the answer?
Dr. Sana Khan: Who is the parent here? It seems as though your daughter is picking up on your indecision, which simply makes her argue more. You are probably proud of her spunk (I would be), but you’re also caught up in your own conflict to change the rigid approach of your parents. That’s hard for any of us to do. But if you honestly believe in giving your daughter a chance to participate and understand decisions, stick by your beliefs. However, when the decisions are important ones, make it clear by your behavior and by warning her, “This one is not up for argument.” When you aren’t firm, your indecisiveness can be confusing to her. I think you are on the right track, so stick with it. If she is frustrated and needs to fall apart, so be it.
II]
Question: We have a six-week-old. When he cries, I go to him, even if it isn’t time for a feeding. I’ll rock him a bit, and he’ll go back to his crib. My husband says I’m making him into a demanding monster. Am I?
Dr. Sana Khan: Not at this age. You are learning what his cries and demands mean. I think you sound lovely and attentive. Your husband may simply be a little jealous, and that’s absolutely normal. I call it “gatekeeping.” All adults who care passionately about the same baby are unconsciously jealous of each other. Talk to your husband about how he’s feeling. As you both learn more about your baby’s cries and needs, you’ll come to see that in time he will begin to soothe himself. But he’s not there yet. Usually at about three to four months he’ll be ready to watch a mobile or reach for a toy and become resourceful on his own. But indulge him now. It’s fun!
III]
Question: We’ve always been lenient about chores with our children, but now that our eldest is a preteen, I’m beginning to think we made a mistake. His attitude is that he owes nothing to the family. All he cares about are his friends. If I ask him to do anything, even something small like hang up his coat, he just rolls his eyes and walks away. Is it too late to start enforcing rules? Dr. Sana Khan: I certainly hope not. This is common preteen behavior. When it comes to negativity, preteens are comparable to two- to three-year-olds. They both love the word no.
I suggest that you institute a weekly family sit-down. List all the chores that need to be done to “keep the family going.” Go around in a circle and let each family member choose one chore, until they are all chosen. This will help everyone feel that he is contributing to meeting the family’s needs. Then have the whole family decide what the penalties will be if chores aren’t done-for instance, no allowance or no excursions. Also decide how you will celebrate when everyone does perform his chores. And when your son is not acting up, be sure to have some enjoyable one-to-one times with him.
NEXT > More cases with solutions to help you avoid spoiling your child
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